Sunday, July 27, 2008

She can cook a meal and Virginia Reel!

Southold was great. I got to sleep on a lot of boats. Boats are up there on my list of favorite places to nap, what with the breeze and the gentle rocking and such. Plus we got Sister to overcome her dumb fear of sailing, which I'm sure will greatly enhance her life since sailing is great. Oh! And when I got there I found that the WINEBERRIES were ripe, which brought all kinds of jubilation to my soul since my childhood summertimes were full of wineberries and I haven't had them in like five years since I've been away for all my Julys. I still know where all the wineberry bushes on the property grow.

But the real highlight of the venture: BARN DANCE 08.
A barn dance full of people I don't know and will never see again? Golden opportunity and then some? Yeah, we thought so too. Plus the added bonus of free whole lobsters and free ribs and free steak and free dessert buffet. It was great. We wished the rest of us could have been there, we could have pulled a Winter Ball type takeover and Polkaed the night away like never before. A danced with a 55 year old guy with a mustache named Marty for most of the night. And I will leave you with that image.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

This is all I have to say about today



(also BIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG C came home today and I think it's great cause I missed her)
(also I drove home with no pants on)

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Bathesinnoodles

M's house is the most delicious and comfortable thing to ever grace this universe. JUST LIKE M HIMSELF. AWWW.

No but really though...I kind of died of noodle nap happiness today. I think the phrase "noodle nap happiness" sounds great. My day was great.

p.s. I'm a turtle

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Mmmmmmmmmmm, today

I don't think there are better words (or vocalizations) for today.
The feeling of being full of delicious noodles and the perfect temperature (covered by warm soothing blanket with frigid air conditioning blowing upon feet) and completely comfortable and entertained by top quality rock banders? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I'm also happy I was unsick enough to go back to Anything But Work today. I love those kids. I really do.

I accidentally wrote really mushy personalized love letters to everyone last night. I was thinking about that whole "tell the people you love you love them" thing, and I was thinking about how I wasn't exactly raised on that. Like, Mother and Father don't show much physical affection towards each other or shower each other with many words of affirmation. So I was thinking about that, and then I got to thinking about our upcoming diaspora, and then it was far past my bedtime and I was still slightly feverish, and one thing led to another. The end result was letters to all in which I tell my deepest truest feelings, but I feel awkward actually sending them out because they're far more deep and sentimental than we usually get. So I suppose you all can know that I thought and wrote very nice and loving albeit embarrassing things about you all.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Here are more Mitch Hedberg jokes than you care about!

"My apartment is infested with koala bears. It is the cutest infestation ever."

"I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would be really angry if she heard me say that."

"In England Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, al-right. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16 ounce world."

"I was at a bar once, and no one was talking to me 'cuz I just did a show, and I ran into a guy, and instead of saying "excuse me" he said "get the hell out of my way,", so I said "Go to hell", and I ran away. He caught up to me, he had on a hat, a nose ring, an eyebrow ring, a goatee, a tongue ring, and 3-earrings. He said "Hey man, you have a lot of nerve," and then I said "Hey man, you have a lot of cranium accessories." (crowd laughs) You guys are a smart crowd, when I do the dumber crowds, I have to say "Hey man, you have a lot of shit on your head!"

"I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, I really enjoy being here. But I accidentally wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away."

"I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "please try again." They were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitch, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up."

"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall down."

"I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me."

Supervision

I dragged myself out of my feverish delirium* and went to pick up my glasses, and I found that super vision is indeed how people are supposed to see. And guess what I got to see on my drive home! A pretty imposing hawk perched on top of a crane being pestered by crows! It was great. I enjoy hawks a lot.

I also heard SO MANY good songs on the radio on the way there and back. It's clearly going to be a great day, especially since A heard 99 Red Balloons on the way to work. I heard Sexual Healing, So Happy Together, You're the First, the Last, My Everything, Bohemian Rhapsody, and...man I'm pretty sure there were more, I just can't remember. Maybe they were predicting the mushroom bacon burgers father is making for dinner. Cause if that isn't a really good thing, I don't know what is.

My last wisdom tooth is growing in with a vengeance.

Was anyone else awoken by that thunderstorm last night at about 1:30? I don't think I've ever heard anything louder. Very apocalyptic. I loved it.

The bob-white of the quail that seems to have taken up residence in my backyard is all kinds of comforting. Reminds me of childhood summers in Martha's Vineyard and Southold. AWWWW, HOW SWEET.

*delirium probably due more to watching Gone with the Wind all day, probably less due to subsided fever. All I got out of that film was that Scarlett O'Hara was a fool and her life sucked.

Would you rather be sick or make money?

This one time last night, I had a higher fever than I've had in at least a decade. Do I have your sympathies yet? Anyone?

This expensive vacation from work has left me plenty of time to ponder the important questions in life, one which I made up myself and one which I lifted from a blog that I stalk regularly. Can you tell which is which?


Would you rather be more beautiful or more intelligent?
Would you rather lay eggs or have periods?









....and a third one to answer: what if I threw would you rather be more talented into the beautiful/intelligent mix?

Saturday, July 19, 2008

This book is to be read in bed

I don't think there are adjectives powerful enough to describe how tired I am. WHATEVER GUYS, 10:12 IS A PERFECTLY REASONABLE TIME TO BE BODY-ACHING TIRED. Luckily I can easily reach the laptop from bed. Well I suppose it's a blessing and a curse. But that's how it is, anyway. Plus I heard there is supposed to be a thunderstorm within the next half hour and I certainly don't want to miss that. I saw where lightning hit today, it caused a heck of a lot of damage and threw a cement frog in the air and killed some plants and cracked some rocks. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. My point is: today was a wondrous day and it's worth staying up to blog about.

I woke up after pulling an all-nighter (FINE WE ENDED UP GOING TO SLEEP AT 2:15, I KNEW THE "WOKE UP" THING WOULD GIVE IT AWAY) with mah gurlz (except K who we missed dreadfully and discussed the glory of...a lot) and immediately had to drive home to walk the dog and give the cat its cat medicine, just a slight hour detour away from the festivities, but the most important part was that I woke up at NINE THIRTY not five thirty, which is nice and late by my recent standards. This is important because I enjoy my friends a lot and the staying up thing contributed directly to my current tired.

Sister came home from camp today as a much more grown up humanoid than she left as. I think she will be a thoroughly quality human when she grows up. She's really just turning out to be very much like A, which can only mean good things. Watching her teach M the dances she learned at camp was one of the best things I've ever witnessed. On both her part and M's part. But I get ahead of myself again. She's growing up. She's past five feet tall, something I once really did not think she would ever achieve. Next summer she's going to be FOURTEEN. The summer after eighth grade. I can remember being that age. I was a person when I was that age. I had emotions and cognitive reasoning. Sister being almost that old? Talk about world-blowing.

Hanging out with A and M and Sister at Crazy Joe's pool today was a brilliant exercise in enjoyable summer pastimes. It left me satisfied beyond reason. As well as tired beyond reason. But in the most content of ways. If you ever want to put some strawberries on angel food cake and ice cream, pour a bit of limeade and sugar over them first. You won't regret it. If you ever want to know how to do a bee dance, just ask me. I know now. Kind of.

I think Tom Robbins is clever

This sentence is made of lead (and a sentence of lead gives a reader and entirely different sensation from one made of magnesium). This sentence is made of yak wool. This sentence is made of sunlight and plums. This sentence is made of ice. This sentence is made from the blood of the poet. This sentence was made in Japan. This sentence glows in the dark. This sentence was born with a caul. This sentence has a crush on Normal Mailer. This sentence is a wino and doesn’t care who knows it. Like many italic sentences, this one has Mafia connections. This sentence is a double Cancer with Pisces rising. This sentence lost its mind searching for the perfect paragraph. This sentence refuses to be diagramed. This sentence ran off with an adverb clause. This sentence is 100 percent organic, it will not retain a facsimilie of freshness like those sentences of Homer, Shakespeare, Goethe et al., which are loaded with preservatives. This sentence leaks. This sentence doesn’t look Jewish…This sentence has accepted Jesus Christ as its personal savior. This sentence once spit in a book reviewer’s eye. This sentence can do the funky chicken. This sentence has seen too much and forgotten too little. This sentence is called “Speedoo” but its real name is Mr. Earl. This sentence may be pregnant, it missed its period This sentence suffered a split infinitive – and survived. If this sentence has been a snake you’d have bitten it. This sentence went to jail with Clifford Irving. This sentence went to Woodstock. And this little sentence went wee wee wee all the way home. This sentence is proud to be part of the team here at Even Cowgirls Get the Blues. This sentence is rather confounded by the whole damn thing.

Martin Kratt - Bare Feet Footage


I tried to search Kratts' Creatures on youtube...and this is what I found...with this description...

Martin Kratt, one of the stars of "Kratts' Creatures" and "Zaboomafoo", certainly seemed to prefer the barefoot life. This video contains clips and pictures of him that I obtained where he is barefoot. They are all from "Zaboomafoo". Sorry about the bad quality and lack of audio. It's the best I could do. If you have any better or additional clips (like the episode where Chris smells Martin's feet, or where the two brothers run with cheetas so fast that their toes burst out of their shoes) let me know!

A few interesting notes about Martin's feet: he wears a size 10 (Chris wears a size 8.5); and the little toe on his right foot seems to be oddly bent so that it rests on top of the toe next to it (making it look as if he only has four toes on his right foot in some shots).

Picture 1/Clip 1: Used at the end of various "Zaboomafoo" episodes to lengthen the show. After briefly highlighting the feet of bears, Martin attempts to climb a pole using his feet, but fails and ends up swinging freely from a beam as he states "Human bare feet aren't as good at climbing as bear bare feet."

Picture 2: Martin's brother, Chris, sniffs Martin's feet in an episode where the two go to the mountains to look for animals. Martin explains how a certain mouse has feet that stick to rocks easily. The camera pans down to show he is barefoot on a rock; Chris then sniffs Martin's toes and says "Martin has stinky feet!" Chris then insists that Martin put his shoes back on.

Clip 2: Martin and Chris build a hot tub to act as a hot spring for their new monkey friend. The camera just happens to pan by Martin's foot, which is propped up against the tub's edge.

Clip 3: Close-up of Clip 2.

Enjoy! And if this isn't your kind of video... don't comment! I'll gladly delete any comments that ignore this request.

Old News, Kathie Lee Gifford


The wine rack was displayed on the today show.
I Kissed A Girl is billboard's #1 song.
SLOWLY, AMERICAN CULTURE IS FOLLOWING IN OUR FOOTSTEPS.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Too hot to hoot


IT'S TOO HOT TODAY, GIRL CANNOT HANDLE SUCH MADNESS.

I swear I just have no capacity for heat. Actually I've gotten a lot better at it than last year, which is good cause I would utterly die running about in the 85 degree sunlight all day at work if I had my temperature (and heat, and warmness and coolness) sensitivity of yore. But today...was excessive. I melted immediately upon coming home, the only thing keeping me from melting at work being the obligation to not do that and the pool (may Jesus smile upon the pool.) But the thing really just is that my house with its lack of air conditioning and haloalkanes is HOT. After trying to cool off in the shower, I found that I don't own any clothes that both hold up to my modesty needs and are cool enough to wear in sweltering heat. A summer dress wouldn't work, cause I'd need to wear a tank top and shorts over it and that is too many layers, but a tank top and shorts on their own wouldn't work since that's too many cubic inches of exposed skin, plus I don't own any shorts besides soffes and those are for pajamas and work ONLY. Why I feel comfortable in them at work I have no idea. Maybe it's because I don't register that yellow-orange shirt as being real clothes. But anyway. I have nothing to wear for this climate. Good thing my house is empty.

Life In America

My friend Josh from Alaska made this...woohoo!

OH MY GOD

IT'S A ROBOTIC SHEEP THAT MOWS YOUR LAWN


HELLZ YES

Thursday, July 17, 2008

HERMAN


God bless you iviv, for uploading all the Magic School Bus episodes to youtube.

This one time, I was psychic and predicted a ring, but then I wasn't psychic and didn't predict losing it before I did.

Forking

I think the weirdest thing about me is that while I don't regularly swear out loud, I use the modifier "forking" far too often to describe stuff to myself in my head, such as "we had a forking lot of fun tonight" or "this zucchini bread is forking delicious."

I think the only reason why it's just in my head is because it would be far too goobery to ever say forking out loud. I censor half the stuff in my head, anyway. And forking never makes the cut.

Monday, July 14, 2008

That kid is INSIDE that claw vending machine



...and with that today comes to a close.

Bill Nye, my ovaries are yours for the taking


I love Bill Nye's positive attitude towards the whole Pluto scandal. I mean, there I was, riding the bus in Martha's Vineyard, peering over the shoulder of some newspaper-reading man, seeing the news that forever cemented MY special planet as but a dwarf planet, feeling like the world of astronomy had deeply and personally wronged me, when I could have viewed the situation like my friend Bill, with a smile and an awe of the science unfolding around me. I swear that man is everything a person should be.

RHINOS IN LOVE



...
A is sick today. She's at "her house." This is what happens when I'm left to my own devices for too long.

How I feed cats carrots


It seems the more I live, the more this video becomes relevant to my life. And I don't know how I feel about that.

In Which I Discuss Anything But Work

Usually towards the middle of the day I'm feeling pretty muggy inside and worn down and I'm looking forward to changing into my bathing suit in the (faculty!)bathroom just to be able to lock the door behind me and have some space to myself, but then once I reach the pool I swear I go through a legit rebirth, and suddenly the kids are little angelfish and I'm having fun scooting them about in the water and my day takes a complete turn for the better and that's why at the end of the day I'm all WOOHOO THAT WAS GREAT instead of GOOD LORD GET ME OUT OF HERE. So, thank you pool, I don't know where I would be without you.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Life at Connor's House

Life At My House

Mother: Do you know the I'm A Lumberjack and I'm OK song?
Me: No
Mother: Me either. *pause* OHHHHH 'APPINESS IS BLOOMIN ALL AROUND HER *walks out of room singing*


...then I looked up the song.

Driving Down Interstate 90 In My Big Old Pickup Truck

I'm going to be FAR AWAY next year. I am finding that information more and more disturbing by the day. I tend to live in the present like none other, so it never hit me until the past few weeks that I'm going to be hours upon hours away from everyone I love (except of course for A, not excepting her from people I love, excepting her from hours upon hours since she's only about two hours away, and I legit do not know what I would do if she was farther), and it's making me seriously discontent. When I decided to go all the way across the country I don't think I realized how far that was. GUYSSSSSS DON'T FORGET ABOUT MEEEEE. PLEASE.

If I were to drive all the way there all I would have to take is Interstate 90 and I'd be on a pretty direct path to my end location. LET'S TAKE AN IMAGINARY TRIP DOWN THAT ROAD TO SEE EVERYTHING THAT STANDS BETWEEN ME AND MOST OF THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE!!

I'd start off on the good old familiar Mass Pike, maybe visit T and J on the way and die of jealousy a little on their convenient location.


Then I'd go through the Berkshires and be reminded of that James Taylor song, then get all misty-eyed at the significance of the whole "ten miles behind me, ten thousand more to go" thing, then feel like a goober for it.


Apparently at some point in New York I-90 looks like this. Nifty!


Next I'd follow I-90 into Pennsylvania, perhaps close enough to Lake Erie to see Bessie the fabled Lake Monster. Unfortunately I would be unable to visit the Lank Monster, since the highway isn't even in PA long enough for it to be on the map. I had to draw it in myself.


Pretty Soon I'd arrive in Ohio, where the welcome sign says there is SO MUCH TO DISCOVER! But I swear the only thing to discover in Ohio is corn. And I'm not even in Indiana or Illinois yet. I'd have to drive through Dead Man's Curve, where the road turns at about a 90 degree angle and not everyone makes it out alive...great.


Then I'd be in Indiana. I don't think there really is anything to say about that.


In Chicago I'd get to go on the Chicago Skyway, which is described as "one of many Interstate Highways that are not up to the latest Interstate standards." But I really just wonder if I'd get to go on a drawbridge. Drawbridges are cool.


Next I'd pass through Wisconsin, where I don't think there are people but I'm pretty sure there are cows. Even google images says it is a barren wasteland there.


Interstate 90 In Minnesota: "I-90 is atypical in that just across the eastern Minnesota border, the median is wide enough that farms exist between the road beds."
FARMS. ARE IN. THE MIDDLE. OF THE HIGHWAY. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO MINNESOTA.


This South Dakota I-90 picture reminds me of that Brautigan poem, probably due to the really rustic looking barbed wire fence. She's beautiful, but burn all the maps to your body. I'm not here of my own choosing.


I actually think Wyoming is a pretty cool state. If I met somebody from college who lived there, I'd visit them on their ranch sometime.


The best thing about Montana is that I'd get to go DIRECTLY through Big Timber. LOOK OUT DAVE HYM, HERE I COME! The worst thing about Montana is I'd have to be in it for 552 miles.


Idaho comes next, meaning I'd be almost at my destination! A thinks this is embarrassing for my Washington. I'd have to agree.


DUDE. LOOK HOW COOL I-90 IS IN BACKWOODS BIGFOOT TERRITORY WASHINGTON. HELLZ YES.


Annddd then I'd get to Seattle, putting me that much closer to college.

BUT
SPEAKING OF COLLEGE
AND CLOSENESS
IT
ISN'T
CLOSE.
TO SO MANY PEOPLE.
sdkjfghikl;fds'adrgthyjk;l'

Saturday, July 12, 2008

WE'RE GREAT

I'm REALLY happy.
With who we are and what our life is. I think it's fantastic. I think skinny dipping and playing spin the bottle into the wee hours of the morning then waking up and sleeping on a beach for six hours is the best use of time one could possibly dream of. I think hours spent resting all entangled within each other are the most warm and comforting hours no money could buy. I think my friends are really comfortable. I think it's really clever that a lake bottom that feels repulsively slimy and murky by day feels niftily squishy at night (under the right circumstances).

I think it's GREAT
that we can go skinny dipping and play spin the bottle into the wee hours of the morning, and then the next day when we wake up the reaction isn't oh god, now we feel horribly awkward, it's oh wow, last night was a huge success.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Piglet Is Entirely Surrounded By Water


I love apocalyptic day turning into night end of the world weather. I LOVE it. A lot. I just think its really CLEVER how dark it gets in the middle of the day and how sometimes it comes out of nowhere and then is really hardcore for a bit and then goes away. And then thunder and lightning is also all kinds of nifty. This one time I was at NOPLACE (certainly not at work (blogger paranoia blogger paranoia DONT FIRE ME...NOPLACE))and the activity HAPPENED to involve putting small children in cars during an intensive storm that rolled in out of nowhere, and when I say intensive I mean soaked through to the skin just from running out to deliver a child and then running back (hm, saying deliver a child sounds more like birthing than anything else...but I don't think I'd like to do that in a thunderstorm...ok back to the point at hand) and I swear it's genius how a storm can turn all the space that's usually air into being mostly water, but leaving enough room to breathe. If the oceans were made of that consistency, like more whipped yogurt than custard style, but...fluid, then I bet I could walk down into them and actually get to see a sperm whale fighting a giant squid, provided they had evolved to be able to swim and respire and such in that kind of water/air conglomeration. AND that last sentence proves to me that I'm too half-asleep to be blogging. THIS IS WHY ME GETTING A BLOG WAS NEVER A GOOD IDEA. DELUSIONAL BLOGPOSTS RECORDED FOR ALL ETERNITY ARE NOTHING BUT A PLAN WITH NO PROS.

Dangit.

So. As I was saying. Thunderstorms are genius. I think it's cause I really just like water...in a big way. And then thunderstorms are water with big burly sound effects and flashing lights, with the addition of thrills and unpredictability. THEY'RE GREAT. THE END.

(I really ought to only blog when awake. This has been a huge mistake)

Monday, July 7, 2008

Soundtrack to My Youth

Or, things I was raised on while everyone else was watching Disney movies, listening to boy bands, and generally being aware of 90's popular culture.

1. Guys And Dolls


2. The Monkees


3. Maria Muldar


4. Johnny Cash


5. Blue Coat Man


6. Harry Belafonte


8. The Gipsy Kings


9. ABBA


10. Marais and Miranda

ITS JUST CHEESE

I'm still on a Canada high from this past weekend, which is really just a better high than any sort of cheese could ever give you.

Picture this: Eight American teenagers who are laughing raucously and (unlike polite penguins) seem incapable of keeping their hands to themselves as they lay in a grass patch in the rejection corner of the Montreal Jazz fest, where all the bands playing can be heard...at the same time. Security walks past and presumably is hit with the distinct odor of lots and lots of illicit substances being smoked in the near vicinity. As the smokers of such substances have left the area in search of food, security moves to question the innocent children.
Security: Where's the weed?
K: I don't have any!
Security: Where's the grass?
K: It's JUST CHEESE!
Motioning, of course, to the foil wrapper off which she is sucking the last remaining bits of unsquished free sample cheese. Because THAT is a surefire way to convince cops you aren't high. And...it worked. Kudos, K!
...I don't think such excuses would work in the USA.

I mean, sure, we lost $400 (you know, $120 plus $230),which kind of goes against our splitting a $95 dollar per night hotel room between eight people and pouring cup noodles into the hot water in the tub rather than spend money on actual sustenance philosophy. But if you think of it as a donation to the good city of Canada, or a tax on having too much fun, or 25 servings of $2 noodles per person, it doesn't seem all that bad. Plus we all brought our positive attitudes. Mostly.

I honestly swear we have more fun than any other humans in this entire universe. And that's what makes us phenomenal.