Tuesday, March 4, 2014


Well, I guess it's March already. I guess I didn't blog during the depth of winter. Not surprising, I guess, considering how winter makes everything cold and stagnant and bitter and shut down.

I kept on thinking, "Now is the winter of our discontent." There were some good things that happened during winter. Still, I spent a lot of it trying desperately to feel as if my life had meaning and that I was spending my time in a worthwhile manner. This meant a lot of cleaning, cooking, preparing, running errands, trying to make up for loneliness with productivity. I need to feel like I matter, and it's easiest for me to feel like that when I feel like I matter to other people. I knew I mattered to people who were far away, and it makes my heart feel spread thin over so much distance. With the people around here, though, I often felt forgotten, or like I was not much of a priority, and I missed having a supportive community of people who I cared about and could count on to care about me. It was a loneliness not as lonely as the one I had in California, but one that I couldn't fill with hills or flowers or sitting in trees looking at the sky. It was different, though, to have people there who I wanted to connect with but was left without the connection I needed. I'd worry at times that I was just too needy, or that I was coming off as needy, or that I was trying to cling to people who just wanted to shake me off. So I spent time with myself, and I tried to take good care of myself, and to keep my room and kitchen clean and prepare healthy food and get my homework done, and to read books and go to sleep on time and remember to pack the right binders on the right day.

It's still terribly cold and there are nasty old snow mounds everywhere, but at least I know that spring will happen. Maybe as spring happens lots of good new things will awaken and grow and maybe I'll feel happier.

In those months when I didn't blog I had a lot of constellations and did a lot of healing and it all helped a whole lot. Winter was a good time to do that, I'm sure.

Come on come on come on come on spring. I have hopes.

Blessed are the seeds waiting in darkness for the coming of spring.

although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess

(except my life) the true time of year

Tuesday, October 29, 2013


It's almost November.

The smell and feel of this season in my house is something I remember so distinctly. It's something I'd forgotten, but it's so familiar.

This may be the last time I spend this season in this house. Or not. Who knows.

I know it's not new years yet, but Judith Berger says that this Halloween time is witches' new year. It seems that starting in September and going to February there is a New Year every few months or so. No New Years in the spring or summer, though. Makes sense, I guess.

Anyway, the 12 months between last witches' new year and this one have been so transformational for me. Everything changes. Nothing lasts for long. I guess this is being 23. I wonder if things ever settle.

What is to become of me.

Life feels like crashing through the underbrush in the PNW forest. I love crashing through the underbrush, but I've been doing it for an awfully long time by now.

No end in sight. Oh well.

I'm certainly better at teaching now than I was two months ago. That's something.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Mermaids Never Lie

September September September.

I've lived in Massachusetts in September within the last five years. The last time I did that was two years ago, I think. No, three. I guess that's been a while, too. But oh September you are so lovely and you are so lovely and you are so lovely. I am excited for October, too. Come on foliage. Bring it.

I love September. Maybe I'll name my daughter September if I ever feel like life on Earth is good and safe enough for me to bring a child into it. The weather in September is like the weather in the Bay Area always. Maybe that's why they say the weather is perfect there. September is perfect. I love the September wind and the September sky.

September September September.

There's more I want to write, but I don't think I can.

I started school for real and I don't have any time for anything anymore. But I'm still going to try to do all I can whenever I can. Maybe it helps that I think the world is headed for disaster because I'm trying to live as much as I can while I can. I mean, the whole fear and panic about the world doesn't help things I guess. But I am not about to think I didn't do all I could while I could.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

The only thing between my butt and the sky is sunshine

On Monday night I took the ferry over and met Jeannette in Woods Hole. When we got back to the house we ate dinner with Dan and then Jeannette and I walked the tennis ball walk to the pond. We wrapped ourselves up in our big fluffy blanket and split a bottle of sake and took off all our clothes and went in the luminescence and cuddled. It started raining on us and we couldn't really figure out what was going on except for that it definitely was not not raining. 

On Tuesday we went to Menemsha and bought five pounds of mussels for five dollars off a fishing boat that had just come into the docks. We walked down the jetty and made friends with a fisherman and looked at all the fish and put our feet in the water. Then we went to the ocean and swam and lounged around naked. That's when I had to fend off that dude with the ipad. We stayed until sunset and watched the sun set over the ocean and turned around to see the full moon rising over the dunes. Everything is beautiful and life is perfect and good. We went home and made seafood paella and ate it and then walked through the woods to the pond in the moonlight. The moon was so bright. We wrapped ourselves in our blanket again and took a little nap before hiking back out. 

On Wednesday Jeannette slept until one. I spent the morning sitting on the back ramp with Sophie drinking dandelion coffee and reading Prodigal Summer. Sophie dug a big hole. When Jeannette woke up we went to the cliffs and to the lighthouse. Then we went to Lobsterville and explored around for horseshoe crabs and worm mucus and crabs and octopus eggs. We spent a long time being mudfish just laying naked in the shallow water and looking at the birds and the fish and the landscape. When we went home Jeannette made an amazing mussel curry. When that was done we built a bonfire at the ocean and watched the full moon rise again. We went on a moonlight beach walk and drank vodka and drew with charcoal on rocks and wrapped ourselves in our blanket again. When Dan found us we had fallen asleep but the fire was still going. 

On Thursday we had to clean and pack but there was also time for us to go to the ocean. We went on a nice long naked beach walk and looked at all of the seaweed and saw so many ospreys flying around. We found a beautiful clay river and peed in the most beautiful pee spot. Then we went to the boat only to find that Dan went to the wrong port, so Jeannette and I walked onto the boat and made our connection to the bus on the other side. We met Khadijah at South Station and Minh picked us up and drove us home to Jeannette's birthday party. When Martha walked in Luna greeted her at the door and then she found us smoking in the kitchen. We partied with Rosie and all her friends and KK and Dan. It was Rosie's last night before college. We sang happy birthday to Jeannette and then everyone sang happy birthday to KK. Jeannette and Minh and I had the best time on the trampoline where we played Who's Foot Is This and then went inside and all made an herbal first aid kit for Rosie for college. 

On Friday we dropped Khadijah at the T and went to Minh's house for a second before heading off to show Jeannette Boston. We went to my old neighborhood in JP and then into Boston. We had a bit of a phone emergency but it all worked out thanks to some payphone magic. We met Minh for lunch and then went back to head out for Southold. I took the most amazing nap on Jeannette's lap on the boat with her just stroking my hair and covering me up exactly when I needed it. When we got to Southold we checked out the beach and then went to cocktail hour. After cocktail hour and dinner we went naked stargazing on the beach. We saw three shooting stars and went in the water and everything was perfect. We slept in a tent right up next to the cliff on the bocce ball court, but the tent only had one tent pole so we had to string it up to the trees. We called it our palace and it was also perfect. People who think camping has to be uncomfortable are wrong.

Saturday was Jeannette's birthday. We went to the Anti-Bias picnic and then went sailing with KK and Uncle Ed and Uncle Mike and Grandfather. After sailing Jeannette and I went swimming at sunset. We swam out to the big rock and climbed up on it and watched the water and the sky change colors. When we got back up it was cocktail hour again. Grandfather and Uncle Ed found a brand new sail that they needed and didn't know they had and were freaking out about it. It is because magic is real. We had another amazing dinner. After dinner we got all cozy in the tent for a while but then decided to go on an adventure. We had a tickle fight on the rope swing and explored the barn where Jeannette got a birthday present from Beyond (The Bean Trees) and then we sat in the big wicker chair and I read to Jeannette from this farming book for kids that I found. It was amazing being in that tent with the stars all out through the roof and the insect symphony. It was amazing feeling the sensation of just knowing that you're on a cliff. The only motors we would hear would be planes, which we would watch and then see disappear and go back to just wind and insects and waves. That was last night. 

This morning we woke up and went on a tour of the property in the mule with Grandfather. He told me some things that I didn't even know before. Then we harvested mullein flowers and pokeroot berries. Nanci and Uncle Ed and KK joined us for a pokeroot ceremony on the beach. Then we made some more mussels and drank wine with everyone outside in the white chairs before having to pack up and leave. I took another amazing ferry nap with Jeannette and then we had to drive her to the airport. 

It was the most amazing week. Awe and glory and wonder and reverence. Jeannette and I were both amazed the whole time at how good things are. And even though it's over now and Jeannette is flying back to LA, it happened and it was perfect and that will always be how I spent August 19-25 2013. Life is good. 

Monday, August 5, 2013

Live Free or Die

I've been reading Herbal Rituals because Daniela told me to. My plan is to read each month's chapter and only that chapter at the beginning of each month until I get through the year. I read August's chapter while we were in New Hampshire.

August in New England means kayaking on the lake to blueberry bushes and finding more blueberries than you can eat, so you go back and get your friends and pick wild blueberries until you've got two jars full, and then you all work together to make a gluten-free pie with lots of pistachios in the crust and split the whole thing three ways on the dock at sunset. 

It means a lot of skinny dipping. It means taking off all your clothes and going in the water whenever you want to, under cover of darkness and liquor or sober in the morning, and leaping off the dock and not even caring if people see. Because like, yeah my body doesn't look exactly like the bodies of those girls in the media or like those girls that walk around looking like them, but that doesn't mean it isn't perfect.

I feel somewhat like my youth is slipping away. I don't think I'm an adult yet, but I will be one soon. It's nice in some ways. We can drink fancy delicious infused alcohols and make legit food and get everyone home on time, and that's nice, but I don't want us to lose all our spunk. 

Summer is for dancing. I danced by myself in the sand at the side of the lake at two in the morning because nobody else would dance with me, and while I was dancing I realized I wasn't okay, in a sneaky sort of dangerous way where I was aware of what I was doing but not thinking it was a problem. It's been a lot, with everything changing and moving back to Divorce City and all. I'd been fooling myself into thinking I was fine, but I wasn't fine. Now that I've realized it I'm working on it. I think I'll be fine again soon. 

But by goddess, fine or not, I'm going to be free, and I'm going to live, and live free, and live as free and as close to myself as I possibly can.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Mercury Retrograde


I might as well document the whirlwind of the past while before it's too far gone.

It started back in the beginning of May, when Jeannette came to visit and the hills were still green and we made a picnic and drank wine and didn't watch the sunset because she had to leave. That was just the little teaser opening.

Then I went to LA and visited her. We went camping in Malibu with Adrian and his girlfriend. It was beautiful. We drank vodka lemonade and took off our clothes and went in the water and wrapped ourselves in seaweed boas. There were pelicans and dolphins and we cuddled up in the tent with Margot and everything was good. Of course there was our ill-fated desert adventure too, but hey I got to commune with Granny Kay and feel her love for the desert. So that was cool.

Dolphins, darling.

Then Julia and Miriam came to visit. We went to the beach and went to the bar and lay in my room watching Netflix. We ate delicious seafood and made it through all the twisty cliff road without dying. We went to the Albany Bulb and found the library and had a bit of a treacherous Bay crossing. Pretty soon after Asia left and I missed her.

Next Jesse came to visit and we went to the redwoods and the ocean. It was great. We hiked to the top of a hill and I saw dolphins again but Jesse missed them every time. The sunset on the ocean is always magical. I love the friendship that I have with Jesse. We had the sort of slumber party that I haven't had in ages, where you sleep in separate beds but stay up late talking about crushes and life and stuff. Thank you Jesse.

After-school ended. It seemed like it would never end, but then it ended, and now when I look back on it it already seems so far away. They say memories block out the pain, maybe that's already at work. When I showed the kids the garden video Christian cried. Those kids. I wish I could have been a better teacher for them. I did the best I could. Already after really only two weeks of grad school I know so much more and could have done it so much better. But they don't get people who have gone to grad school. They get people like me, or who I was. I'm sorry, kids. I'll try to make things better somehow.

Let's see. Next up was the field trip to Lakes Basin. What a magical field trip. Somehow I had been thinking it was a desert field trip, but it wasn't. We were way up in the mountains with all the mountain plants and mountain rivers and mountain rocks. I harvested Aralia next to a creek. I tried asking all the plants which to harvest, and the one that called to Cathy and I came up so easily, with its root gently breaking off of another root section, giving itself to us and we didn't even have to kill the whole plant. I tinctured some of that root and made some of it into a honey. I've already eaten all my candied Aralia. I thought that maybe I should save it, but I've also been in quite the time of transition so I thought I could use some fortification. I hope I was respecting that root as much as it deserved. Anyway, then we went to the waterfall. Katie and I swam in that beautiful pool and some dragonflies had sex on my arm. I spent a long time sitting at the base of the waterfall and found gold flakes in the sand by the riverbed. That night I played banjo at the campfire in front of all the people. I had been going back and forth on whether or not to bring the banjo, since I thought if I brought it maybe I'd have to play it in front of people, but then I also thought I would miss it if I didn't play it for four days. After a bit of sitting around the campfire Kara told everyone that we had to start cleaning up, but then she told me that playing the banjo counted as work and I got to just sit there and make music for everyone who was cleaning. That's some solstice supermoon magic for you. The next day I dug up a ceanothus root that was a dragon. I mean, James really dug most of it up, but I helped. We lost my water jar and found it and lost my sunglasses and found them and lost Katie's earrings and found them. And by that I mean James found everything that was lost. We swam in a lake under the mountains and Cathy sent her healingness to a life flight helicopter that went by. The next morning we woke up before sunrise to hike to the top of a mountain. There was a time in my life where I would have been like god no worst activity ever, but that time must be past. I went slow, it was hard, the altitude was some serious business, but Max did a moxa treatment on my knee and I didn't hurt it more. When we got to the top we did our daily energy medicine and literally connected heaven and earth. On the way back we saw a bear, just like I'd dreamed we would, except in my dream it charged us. Also at some point we saw some amazing pitcher plants, all luminous and snakelike. Everything magic. James and Max and Katie and I went to the Naked Hot Springs on the way back. Amazing. Like being in the Mother's womb. I did a really great constellation for myself and learned that my jaw pain comes from the silenced screams of all my female ancestors. You know how it is.

And then Minh showed up! We went to San Francisco and saw the street art and I went to my last herb class and had the whole goodbye ceremony and came back later than intended. Whoops. And we went on a crazy hike in the rain and got absolutely soaked through. People do not let themselves get absolutely soaked through nearly enough. We learned how to make some bread and went to the ocean where we couldn't see anything but some mussels and sea anemones. Then we went all the way back up into the mountains to the Naked Hot Springs and the woman at the general store tried to get me to stay. I harvested spearmint with my teeth and we harvested mugwort in the moonlight and sagebrush! and yarrow in the sunlight and soaked.

Then I packed up all of my stuff and left California and now I don't even live there anymore.

It's weird. I'm home. I've been here for just about two weeks. Right now this is my home, it's my only home, I don't live anywhere else. I'm happy to be here. It's good to be reconnecting with everyone. It's good to have clouds and green. I'm still trying to settle in. I still feel like I'm not quite anywhere, or like I'm rattling around someplace, or like I'll be leaving in a few weeks. But Mercury retrograde will be over in five days, and maybe then I'll feel like I'm home.