I've sucked at blogging this year. I was just looking at the number of blog posts per month thingy on the side there and realized 2010 has gone by with hardly any posts. I guess that isn't a big deal, but while I guess you folks do read this it really is for myself. I like having records of what I am doing and what I thought, because I know that before I know it before I have time to think years will have gone by and I will need a little something to kick my memory.
Most of my past blog entries (and I have a lot, considering I've been blogging on and off for eight years now) I avoid rather than read, since like, embarrassing. I don't really want to remember that stuff anyway. But I do. And I will.
I think what happened is I don't like blogging when I'm unhappy and there was too much unhappy this past year. I kind of chronicled that. Enough, I guess. Enough as I could with my policy of blogging as if everyone I know can see it since you never know when a blog may slip into the public eye and goodness knows I'm not about to put anything on the internet that I wouldn't want any people seeing.
But I've kind of pulled myself together. For a while I stopped believing in myself, trusting my decisions, and believing that people like me. I lost my trust in that I know what is right, that I can plan, that I know how to do things, that I'm talented.
For a while, I thought that I shouldn't speak up and offer my suggestions about how to do things. I didn't want to cause a stir. I didn't believe that I could be right.
Father had told me years before about how most people have a voice in their head that feeds them a stream of negative. You're doing that wrong. You're in the wrong place. They don't like you. And so on. When he told me that before, I couldn't relate. I didn't have one of those voices. And then this year I developed one, and it stayed with me until I remembered what Father said. And I remembered how he told me that the important thing about that voice is it does not speak the truth. It's crazy. Lots of people believe everything it says, because there it is talking. But it is very untrustworthy.
Maybe it is coming home. Maybe it is being out of that apartment. Maybe it just took me this long to pull together. Maybe the losing and finding myself thing was a helpful part of the growing up process. I think I'm definitely wiser having been through it.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
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