Oh man. Moving into an apartment is a heck of a lot of work. Especially when you don't have a car. Jes and Mi have been super generous with letting me use their cars but still. If I had one of my own I could just zoom zoom get the groceries and zoom zoom get the compost bucket and zoom zoom zoom get the doormats. I have a long list on my fridge of things I need to do, and while I've gotten a whole lot done there are always more. A lot of them are tricky too, like get a dining room table and chairs for free please. I've spent a lot of money buying stuff for this house but we've also gotten a TON of stuff for free. Still need more though. Pretty much everything is unpacked except for our clothes, since we don't have a dresser. So they are all exploded all over the bedroom. I'm ready to be able to put them away.
My life is pretty great right now. Everything it should be, nothing it shouldn't. Which is so nice, especially since I don't take it for granted anymore. I've been hanging out with some combination Jes and Mi and Je and Ba and A (and of course Bej, I would not even put that in because it seems too obvious to need saying but this way he won't feel left out) every day, doing all sorts of things like making soup and necklaces and Indian food and sushi and listening to Jes and Bej write their songs. I'm making friends in my class already. On Tuesday we went to the zoo and I saw a POLAR BEAR FIGHT right up close RIGHT THERE and it was SO COOOL. I also saw otters snuggling and baby tigers. So like, heck yes. And after tomorrow I should have a computer of my own that works (my computer attended a party a few weeks ago and had a bit too rough of a night) and internet in my home AT THE SAME TIME, which is something I haven't had in one month. A whole month. Can you imagine.
Maybe I will get to cross more things off my list this weekend. That would be pretty sweet.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friends in My Class
Oooooooh I want to make friends in my class I want to I want to I want tooooooo.
I'm going on an overnight field trip with my class Monday-Friday of week two of classes. Oh oh oh oh I hope I make friends I hope I make some friends.
I'm going on an overnight field trip with my class Monday-Friday of week two of classes. Oh oh oh oh I hope I make friends I hope I make some friends.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Home again home again
I'm so happy I'm here.
I'm living in A's attic. It will be Ke's room when she shows up but I'm in it until I can move into my apartment. A's house is beaaaaaaautiful. Seriously, so beautiful. It's in the perfect location and it is blue and has a lovely finished basement (which is covered with vomit right now, no big deal) and a fireplace with a fake fire and a fish pond and pear tree and the swing set of my youth. We made pear crisp the other night with Ba's pear swirler-corer-pealer and A's pears. GLUTEN FREE DAIRY FREE SUGAR FREE pear crisp. If agave nectar doesn't count as sugar. It kind of does. But oh well.
I've seen more seals up close in the past few days than I think I've seen ever. There are all these harbor seals in the harbor eating the salmon. The Stream Team has a see the salmon station set up and they give you polarized glasses so you can look into the water and see tons and tons of salmon swimming around. I want to see a seal catch a salmon. I've seen a seal surface with a salmon in its mouth and eat it, but I want the catch.
La's sister Br is visiting and she is super cool. We're best friends. I don't want her to go back to Ireland in a few days.
La's house is ridiculous. The front door is always open and there is junk everywhere inside and out. It's hard to tell who exactly lives there with all the people going in and out and everything is constantly a mess. There is an organ in the front yard and a washing machine in the back yard. I guess what happens is some of the people dumpster dive stuff and try to sell it on ebay, but it is all sitting out in the yard in the rain so I don't know how valuable it could possibly be. But there is a firepit that we have fires in and always tons of vegetables that La brings home from the farm.
Ba is setting up her dorm room to be the best dorm room ever in the freshman dorms. I'll have to take some pictures of it because it is really impressive. She was put in there without a kitchen or living room or anything because she is an RA but she is certainly making the most of what she's got. And then some.
I told Mi that I would water her plants while she is in Chicago but then her car broke under Je's watch so I don't know how I will get there. I'll have to make a long trek.
I'm excited to move into my apartment. It seems a little wrong that A won't be there because A and Bej and I have been having the best of times living together. But I'm super excited to unpack and decorate. I have two framed dinosaur posters, one identical to the one in C's kitchen and one in a similar theme. It's going to be good.
I'm living in A's attic. It will be Ke's room when she shows up but I'm in it until I can move into my apartment. A's house is beaaaaaaautiful. Seriously, so beautiful. It's in the perfect location and it is blue and has a lovely finished basement (which is covered with vomit right now, no big deal) and a fireplace with a fake fire and a fish pond and pear tree and the swing set of my youth. We made pear crisp the other night with Ba's pear swirler-corer-pealer and A's pears. GLUTEN FREE DAIRY FREE SUGAR FREE pear crisp. If agave nectar doesn't count as sugar. It kind of does. But oh well.
I've seen more seals up close in the past few days than I think I've seen ever. There are all these harbor seals in the harbor eating the salmon. The Stream Team has a see the salmon station set up and they give you polarized glasses so you can look into the water and see tons and tons of salmon swimming around. I want to see a seal catch a salmon. I've seen a seal surface with a salmon in its mouth and eat it, but I want the catch.
La's sister Br is visiting and she is super cool. We're best friends. I don't want her to go back to Ireland in a few days.
La's house is ridiculous. The front door is always open and there is junk everywhere inside and out. It's hard to tell who exactly lives there with all the people going in and out and everything is constantly a mess. There is an organ in the front yard and a washing machine in the back yard. I guess what happens is some of the people dumpster dive stuff and try to sell it on ebay, but it is all sitting out in the yard in the rain so I don't know how valuable it could possibly be. But there is a firepit that we have fires in and always tons of vegetables that La brings home from the farm.
Ba is setting up her dorm room to be the best dorm room ever in the freshman dorms. I'll have to take some pictures of it because it is really impressive. She was put in there without a kitchen or living room or anything because she is an RA but she is certainly making the most of what she's got. And then some.
I told Mi that I would water her plants while she is in Chicago but then her car broke under Je's watch so I don't know how I will get there. I'll have to make a long trek.
I'm excited to move into my apartment. It seems a little wrong that A won't be there because A and Bej and I have been having the best of times living together. But I'm super excited to unpack and decorate. I have two framed dinosaur posters, one identical to the one in C's kitchen and one in a similar theme. It's going to be good.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wow
People are amazing me with their generosity. All these people are offering all these things and doing so much. I'm wowed. It's a mixed feeling of feeling like such a burden and feeling so grateful for the help and feeling so amazed that people are willing to help Bej and I like this. I'm a little overwhelmed with emotion.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The King and the Queen and the Doctor Too
Gosh. I guess summer is coming to an end. Well like, kind of. School doesn't start for another month and I'm going back home to the grand old Oly, so I guess the last chapter of my summer is starting. Everyone else going back to school (or off to exotic locations) makes it seem like it's over. I actually didn't realize that my summer isn't over until just now. Umm. Yeah. School doesn't start till September 27.
So in eleven or twelve days (somebody please explain to me how to properly count down days, for some reason the concept has always been a difficult one for me) I'll be back, probably homeless and in a corner somewhere but back nevertheless. I'm ready to go now, but these eleven or twelve days will probably go fast.
I'm happy I came back, though, because this has been a summer of getting better. The whole fiiinally getting treated for lyme disease thing probably did a lot to help that. The thing about lyme disease is it seems any symptom can be caused by lyme. Like changes in mood, depression, anxiety, crying easily, all that stuff. And as my headaches are going away that stuff seems to be too. I guess there is no way to know what part of my sadness was lyme and what was from my situation. Probably it was from both. But maybe that time in the spring when I was thinking that I was a useless bad person and that living my life was doing more harm than good and getting all empty and crying about it had something to do with lyme disease causing depression. And maybe when the treatment is over I won't feel like that again, because it really isn't like me.
Remember how I said my headaches are going away? Pretty big news. Things were getting a little ridiculous. It's a lot easier to go about your day when there isn't headache headache all the time headache. So that's a good thing about the summer. Another good thing is that this summer I was able to relate with my family on a friend sort of level. Which was pretty cool. I can really really see how we're all growing up. It seems like I'm growing faster than ever right now. I mean, it's not like the difference between two and three, but I wasn't aware of it back then. But I'm imagining being this baby and thinking WHAT. I'M GETTING SO MUCH BIGGER AND MORE CAPABLE. PRETTY COOL. I wonder how long all this growing and maturing and changing keeps up.
I had a radical thought this summer. But before I tell you about it I'll tell you about this one time when Rosie came up to me with a notebook this summer and asked me for my "radical ideas" about life, and so I told her about letting go of caring about image and what other people think and buying stuff and worry and jealousy and all sorts of stuff like that, and she copied down all my words like I was this great old sage or something. But anyway, my radical thought was that maybe I really am special. It feels like something that I shouldn't admit, because it seems that when people think they're special they're mistaken and everyone else is like they think they're all that but really we all know they're just regular. And the real special people are supposed to be totally unaware of it. But maybe I'm not regular. People tell me how special I am all the time and I always kind of dismiss it, like it's the whole "special snowflake" thing that isn't true. Maybe everyone is special and it isn't fair to put down specialness. And if you're wondering what I mean by special, I mean especially good. When I was little it meant always well behaved and knows too much about birds. But now maybe I'm a really good person. Even if I'm not yet, that's my goal. But if I'm not special people should stop telling me I am because I just might believe it.
Also, while I'm still very much a beginner, I can already play more on the banjo than I ever thought I was capable of. This is of course because I had very low expectations.
So in eleven or twelve days (somebody please explain to me how to properly count down days, for some reason the concept has always been a difficult one for me) I'll be back, probably homeless and in a corner somewhere but back nevertheless. I'm ready to go now, but these eleven or twelve days will probably go fast.
I'm happy I came back, though, because this has been a summer of getting better. The whole fiiinally getting treated for lyme disease thing probably did a lot to help that. The thing about lyme disease is it seems any symptom can be caused by lyme. Like changes in mood, depression, anxiety, crying easily, all that stuff. And as my headaches are going away that stuff seems to be too. I guess there is no way to know what part of my sadness was lyme and what was from my situation. Probably it was from both. But maybe that time in the spring when I was thinking that I was a useless bad person and that living my life was doing more harm than good and getting all empty and crying about it had something to do with lyme disease causing depression. And maybe when the treatment is over I won't feel like that again, because it really isn't like me.
Remember how I said my headaches are going away? Pretty big news. Things were getting a little ridiculous. It's a lot easier to go about your day when there isn't headache headache all the time headache. So that's a good thing about the summer. Another good thing is that this summer I was able to relate with my family on a friend sort of level. Which was pretty cool. I can really really see how we're all growing up. It seems like I'm growing faster than ever right now. I mean, it's not like the difference between two and three, but I wasn't aware of it back then. But I'm imagining being this baby and thinking WHAT. I'M GETTING SO MUCH BIGGER AND MORE CAPABLE. PRETTY COOL. I wonder how long all this growing and maturing and changing keeps up.
I had a radical thought this summer. But before I tell you about it I'll tell you about this one time when Rosie came up to me with a notebook this summer and asked me for my "radical ideas" about life, and so I told her about letting go of caring about image and what other people think and buying stuff and worry and jealousy and all sorts of stuff like that, and she copied down all my words like I was this great old sage or something. But anyway, my radical thought was that maybe I really am special. It feels like something that I shouldn't admit, because it seems that when people think they're special they're mistaken and everyone else is like they think they're all that but really we all know they're just regular. And the real special people are supposed to be totally unaware of it. But maybe I'm not regular. People tell me how special I am all the time and I always kind of dismiss it, like it's the whole "special snowflake" thing that isn't true. Maybe everyone is special and it isn't fair to put down specialness. And if you're wondering what I mean by special, I mean especially good. When I was little it meant always well behaved and knows too much about birds. But now maybe I'm a really good person. Even if I'm not yet, that's my goal. But if I'm not special people should stop telling me I am because I just might believe it.
Also, while I'm still very much a beginner, I can already play more on the banjo than I ever thought I was capable of. This is of course because I had very low expectations.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Well then.
I've sucked at blogging this year. I was just looking at the number of blog posts per month thingy on the side there and realized 2010 has gone by with hardly any posts. I guess that isn't a big deal, but while I guess you folks do read this it really is for myself. I like having records of what I am doing and what I thought, because I know that before I know it before I have time to think years will have gone by and I will need a little something to kick my memory.
Most of my past blog entries (and I have a lot, considering I've been blogging on and off for eight years now) I avoid rather than read, since like, embarrassing. I don't really want to remember that stuff anyway. But I do. And I will.
I think what happened is I don't like blogging when I'm unhappy and there was too much unhappy this past year. I kind of chronicled that. Enough, I guess. Enough as I could with my policy of blogging as if everyone I know can see it since you never know when a blog may slip into the public eye and goodness knows I'm not about to put anything on the internet that I wouldn't want any people seeing.
But I've kind of pulled myself together. For a while I stopped believing in myself, trusting my decisions, and believing that people like me. I lost my trust in that I know what is right, that I can plan, that I know how to do things, that I'm talented.
For a while, I thought that I shouldn't speak up and offer my suggestions about how to do things. I didn't want to cause a stir. I didn't believe that I could be right.
Father had told me years before about how most people have a voice in their head that feeds them a stream of negative. You're doing that wrong. You're in the wrong place. They don't like you. And so on. When he told me that before, I couldn't relate. I didn't have one of those voices. And then this year I developed one, and it stayed with me until I remembered what Father said. And I remembered how he told me that the important thing about that voice is it does not speak the truth. It's crazy. Lots of people believe everything it says, because there it is talking. But it is very untrustworthy.
Maybe it is coming home. Maybe it is being out of that apartment. Maybe it just took me this long to pull together. Maybe the losing and finding myself thing was a helpful part of the growing up process. I think I'm definitely wiser having been through it.
Most of my past blog entries (and I have a lot, considering I've been blogging on and off for eight years now) I avoid rather than read, since like, embarrassing. I don't really want to remember that stuff anyway. But I do. And I will.
I think what happened is I don't like blogging when I'm unhappy and there was too much unhappy this past year. I kind of chronicled that. Enough, I guess. Enough as I could with my policy of blogging as if everyone I know can see it since you never know when a blog may slip into the public eye and goodness knows I'm not about to put anything on the internet that I wouldn't want any people seeing.
But I've kind of pulled myself together. For a while I stopped believing in myself, trusting my decisions, and believing that people like me. I lost my trust in that I know what is right, that I can plan, that I know how to do things, that I'm talented.
For a while, I thought that I shouldn't speak up and offer my suggestions about how to do things. I didn't want to cause a stir. I didn't believe that I could be right.
Father had told me years before about how most people have a voice in their head that feeds them a stream of negative. You're doing that wrong. You're in the wrong place. They don't like you. And so on. When he told me that before, I couldn't relate. I didn't have one of those voices. And then this year I developed one, and it stayed with me until I remembered what Father said. And I remembered how he told me that the important thing about that voice is it does not speak the truth. It's crazy. Lots of people believe everything it says, because there it is talking. But it is very untrustworthy.
Maybe it is coming home. Maybe it is being out of that apartment. Maybe it just took me this long to pull together. Maybe the losing and finding myself thing was a helpful part of the growing up process. I think I'm definitely wiser having been through it.
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