Persephone

Well, I guess it's March already. I guess I didn't blog during the depth of winter. Not surprising, I guess, considering how winter makes everything cold and stagnant and bitter and shut down.

I kept on thinking, "Now is the winter of our discontent." There were some good things that happened during winter. Still, I spent a lot of it trying desperately to feel as if my life had meaning and that I was spending my time in a worthwhile manner. This meant a lot of cleaning, cooking, preparing, running errands, trying to make up for loneliness with productivity. I need to feel like I matter, and it's easiest for me to feel like that when I feel like I matter to other people. I knew I mattered to people who were far away, and it makes my heart feel spread thin over so much distance. With the people around here, though, I often felt forgotten, or like I was not much of a priority, and I missed having a supportive community of people who I cared about and could count on to care about me. It was a loneliness not as lonely as the one I had in California, but one that I couldn't fill with hills or flowers or sitting in trees looking at the sky. It was different, though, to have people there who I wanted to connect with but was left without the connection I needed. I'd worry at times that I was just too needy, or that I was coming off as needy, or that I was trying to cling to people who just wanted to shake me off. So I spent time with myself, and I tried to take good care of myself, and to keep my room and kitchen clean and prepare healthy food and get my homework done, and to read books and go to sleep on time and remember to pack the right binders on the right day.

It's still terribly cold and there are nasty old snow mounds everywhere, but at least I know that spring will happen. Maybe as spring happens lots of good new things will awaken and grow and maybe I'll feel happier.

In those months when I didn't blog I had a lot of constellations and did a lot of healing and it all helped a whole lot. Winter was a good time to do that, I'm sure.

Come on come on come on come on spring. I have hopes.

Blessed are the seeds waiting in darkness for the coming of spring.

although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess

(except my life) the true time of year