Mess

I'M A MESS! A MESS!

Ummmmm

I'm kind of a mess these days.

But I did use my new Messless Cooking strategy when I made Christmas cookies for Sister's Christmas themed birthday party (Sister's friends had her leave the house and decorated it all like Christmas (they said it was a winter wonderland party but really most winter decorations are Christmas decorations and most winter music is Christmas music though they did also have a menorah out and some matzoh (while I'm on this parenthesis kick I will just also mention how I never know which spelling to use of those Jewish words that can be spelled all the different ways except for Hanukkah which I always spell like that because I like that it has the double K and it is too much with the c also))and she came back to the surprise theme)and it worked very well and I was left with a lot of cookies and no mess!

TOO MANY PARENTHESIS. AH. I'M LOSING MY MINDDDDDD.

I've been listening to a lot of Paul Baribeau because his voice has been resonating with my personal unrest.

I started oil painting a self portrait and it is wildly difficult but I'm really loving the challenge. I don't even know if I will be able to make it look any good at this point, but I just have this odd belief in myself about it. It's weird, I'm an emotional wreck but for the first time I feeling pretty while making a self portrait. Not that I never feel pretty, but usually staring at myself and trying to recreate what I see for extended periods of time makes me get all critical and unsatisfied. This time I'm just kind of liking how my face goes. And while my painting doesn't look like me yet maybe someday it will.

I've been feeling lonely and antisocial at the same time and the two do not work well together. I've been feeling a whole barrage of emotions that I do not usually feel and do not enjoy feeling. I've been lonely and antisocial and stressed and uncomfortable and sad. I'm not supposed to get these sorts of emotions. When did I turn human? Where is my constant flat calm of contentedness?

I really just do not know.

DESCENT INTO INSANITY. BY ME.

I'm really excited for work to start.

I'm really excited for college to start.

I'm also excited for Canada!

I need to psych myself up to be able to plan. Because I know I'm usually in charge of planning but I have not been feeling up to it. But I need to. Maybe one of these days I will wake up ready to plan again.