This is nice

Having a Coke with you

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian partly because of my love for you partly because of your love for yoghurt partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary it is hard to believe when I'm with you that there can be anything as still as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it in the warm New York 4 o'clock light we are drifting back and forth between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it's in the Frick which thank heavens you haven't gone to yet so we can go together the first time and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn't pick the rider as carefully as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

by Frank O'Hara

Not blogging about work

Once upon a time a counselor was reading to some campers about frogs and asked the campers what they knew about frogs and one boy raised his hand and said, "My mommy kissed a frog and it turned into my daddy!"

Thunder

I've said it before and I will say it again. Thunderstorms are the earth getting it on with the sky.


MMMM! THE POWER! THE ENERGY! THE HEAT!

Stoked About Life

Today when I came home from camp I ate a bowl of blueberries and milk, then a bowl of cheerios in milk, and then a bowl of cheerios and blueberries in milk together. I was so excited when I realized the last one was possible.

Today has been a wonderful night of revelations and good thoughts. I had a conversation with Mother that ended in her telling me "that's the miracle of life" and being totally sincere.

I'm so happy right now.

Aw.

I had a horrible headache tonight, probably brought on by waking up too early and spending too many hours at staff training, so when I got home I collapsed in my bed and Mother came in to give me a foot massage because she's great like that, and then she started crying because she said that in the dark room sleeping I looked so much like her mother.


Aw.

Amazon Trail Amazon Trail

Yesterday was a very nice day.

I worked more on my self portrait. If I can keep on improving it at the rate I have been I might actually end up with a self portrait. And then I can paint portraits of everyone I know. Exciting!

SPEAKING OF EXCITING I GOT AMAZON TRAIL TO WORK. THE INCA PEOPLE ARE SICK WITH MALARIA CINCHONA IS A MEDICINE FOR IT!

And then I went to Harvard Square with A and saw C and Ma and it was so nice.

So I wasn't a mess at all yesterday. Sweet!

It's so hot in my room I am living in an oven.

Mess

I'M A MESS! A MESS!

Ummmmm

I'm kind of a mess these days.

But I did use my new Messless Cooking strategy when I made Christmas cookies for Sister's Christmas themed birthday party (Sister's friends had her leave the house and decorated it all like Christmas (they said it was a winter wonderland party but really most winter decorations are Christmas decorations and most winter music is Christmas music though they did also have a menorah out and some matzoh (while I'm on this parenthesis kick I will just also mention how I never know which spelling to use of those Jewish words that can be spelled all the different ways except for Hanukkah which I always spell like that because I like that it has the double K and it is too much with the c also))and she came back to the surprise theme)and it worked very well and I was left with a lot of cookies and no mess!

TOO MANY PARENTHESIS. AH. I'M LOSING MY MINDDDDDD.

I've been listening to a lot of Paul Baribeau because his voice has been resonating with my personal unrest.

I started oil painting a self portrait and it is wildly difficult but I'm really loving the challenge. I don't even know if I will be able to make it look any good at this point, but I just have this odd belief in myself about it. It's weird, I'm an emotional wreck but for the first time I feeling pretty while making a self portrait. Not that I never feel pretty, but usually staring at myself and trying to recreate what I see for extended periods of time makes me get all critical and unsatisfied. This time I'm just kind of liking how my face goes. And while my painting doesn't look like me yet maybe someday it will.

I've been feeling lonely and antisocial at the same time and the two do not work well together. I've been feeling a whole barrage of emotions that I do not usually feel and do not enjoy feeling. I've been lonely and antisocial and stressed and uncomfortable and sad. I'm not supposed to get these sorts of emotions. When did I turn human? Where is my constant flat calm of contentedness?

I really just do not know.

DESCENT INTO INSANITY. BY ME.

I'm really excited for work to start.

I'm really excited for college to start.

I'm also excited for Canada!

I need to psych myself up to be able to plan. Because I know I'm usually in charge of planning but I have not been feeling up to it. But I need to. Maybe one of these days I will wake up ready to plan again.