Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wow
People are amazing me with their generosity. All these people are offering all these things and doing so much. I'm wowed. It's a mixed feeling of feeling like such a burden and feeling so grateful for the help and feeling so amazed that people are willing to help Bej and I like this. I'm a little overwhelmed with emotion.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The King and the Queen and the Doctor Too
Gosh. I guess summer is coming to an end. Well like, kind of. School doesn't start for another month and I'm going back home to the grand old Oly, so I guess the last chapter of my summer is starting. Everyone else going back to school (or off to exotic locations) makes it seem like it's over. I actually didn't realize that my summer isn't over until just now. Umm. Yeah. School doesn't start till September 27.
So in eleven or twelve days (somebody please explain to me how to properly count down days, for some reason the concept has always been a difficult one for me) I'll be back, probably homeless and in a corner somewhere but back nevertheless. I'm ready to go now, but these eleven or twelve days will probably go fast.
I'm happy I came back, though, because this has been a summer of getting better. The whole fiiinally getting treated for lyme disease thing probably did a lot to help that. The thing about lyme disease is it seems any symptom can be caused by lyme. Like changes in mood, depression, anxiety, crying easily, all that stuff. And as my headaches are going away that stuff seems to be too. I guess there is no way to know what part of my sadness was lyme and what was from my situation. Probably it was from both. But maybe that time in the spring when I was thinking that I was a useless bad person and that living my life was doing more harm than good and getting all empty and crying about it had something to do with lyme disease causing depression. And maybe when the treatment is over I won't feel like that again, because it really isn't like me.
Remember how I said my headaches are going away? Pretty big news. Things were getting a little ridiculous. It's a lot easier to go about your day when there isn't headache headache all the time headache. So that's a good thing about the summer. Another good thing is that this summer I was able to relate with my family on a friend sort of level. Which was pretty cool. I can really really see how we're all growing up. It seems like I'm growing faster than ever right now. I mean, it's not like the difference between two and three, but I wasn't aware of it back then. But I'm imagining being this baby and thinking WHAT. I'M GETTING SO MUCH BIGGER AND MORE CAPABLE. PRETTY COOL. I wonder how long all this growing and maturing and changing keeps up.
I had a radical thought this summer. But before I tell you about it I'll tell you about this one time when Rosie came up to me with a notebook this summer and asked me for my "radical ideas" about life, and so I told her about letting go of caring about image and what other people think and buying stuff and worry and jealousy and all sorts of stuff like that, and she copied down all my words like I was this great old sage or something. But anyway, my radical thought was that maybe I really am special. It feels like something that I shouldn't admit, because it seems that when people think they're special they're mistaken and everyone else is like they think they're all that but really we all know they're just regular. And the real special people are supposed to be totally unaware of it. But maybe I'm not regular. People tell me how special I am all the time and I always kind of dismiss it, like it's the whole "special snowflake" thing that isn't true. Maybe everyone is special and it isn't fair to put down specialness. And if you're wondering what I mean by special, I mean especially good. When I was little it meant always well behaved and knows too much about birds. But now maybe I'm a really good person. Even if I'm not yet, that's my goal. But if I'm not special people should stop telling me I am because I just might believe it.
Also, while I'm still very much a beginner, I can already play more on the banjo than I ever thought I was capable of. This is of course because I had very low expectations.
So in eleven or twelve days (somebody please explain to me how to properly count down days, for some reason the concept has always been a difficult one for me) I'll be back, probably homeless and in a corner somewhere but back nevertheless. I'm ready to go now, but these eleven or twelve days will probably go fast.
I'm happy I came back, though, because this has been a summer of getting better. The whole fiiinally getting treated for lyme disease thing probably did a lot to help that. The thing about lyme disease is it seems any symptom can be caused by lyme. Like changes in mood, depression, anxiety, crying easily, all that stuff. And as my headaches are going away that stuff seems to be too. I guess there is no way to know what part of my sadness was lyme and what was from my situation. Probably it was from both. But maybe that time in the spring when I was thinking that I was a useless bad person and that living my life was doing more harm than good and getting all empty and crying about it had something to do with lyme disease causing depression. And maybe when the treatment is over I won't feel like that again, because it really isn't like me.
Remember how I said my headaches are going away? Pretty big news. Things were getting a little ridiculous. It's a lot easier to go about your day when there isn't headache headache all the time headache. So that's a good thing about the summer. Another good thing is that this summer I was able to relate with my family on a friend sort of level. Which was pretty cool. I can really really see how we're all growing up. It seems like I'm growing faster than ever right now. I mean, it's not like the difference between two and three, but I wasn't aware of it back then. But I'm imagining being this baby and thinking WHAT. I'M GETTING SO MUCH BIGGER AND MORE CAPABLE. PRETTY COOL. I wonder how long all this growing and maturing and changing keeps up.
I had a radical thought this summer. But before I tell you about it I'll tell you about this one time when Rosie came up to me with a notebook this summer and asked me for my "radical ideas" about life, and so I told her about letting go of caring about image and what other people think and buying stuff and worry and jealousy and all sorts of stuff like that, and she copied down all my words like I was this great old sage or something. But anyway, my radical thought was that maybe I really am special. It feels like something that I shouldn't admit, because it seems that when people think they're special they're mistaken and everyone else is like they think they're all that but really we all know they're just regular. And the real special people are supposed to be totally unaware of it. But maybe I'm not regular. People tell me how special I am all the time and I always kind of dismiss it, like it's the whole "special snowflake" thing that isn't true. Maybe everyone is special and it isn't fair to put down specialness. And if you're wondering what I mean by special, I mean especially good. When I was little it meant always well behaved and knows too much about birds. But now maybe I'm a really good person. Even if I'm not yet, that's my goal. But if I'm not special people should stop telling me I am because I just might believe it.
Also, while I'm still very much a beginner, I can already play more on the banjo than I ever thought I was capable of. This is of course because I had very low expectations.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Well then.
I've sucked at blogging this year. I was just looking at the number of blog posts per month thingy on the side there and realized 2010 has gone by with hardly any posts. I guess that isn't a big deal, but while I guess you folks do read this it really is for myself. I like having records of what I am doing and what I thought, because I know that before I know it before I have time to think years will have gone by and I will need a little something to kick my memory.
Most of my past blog entries (and I have a lot, considering I've been blogging on and off for eight years now) I avoid rather than read, since like, embarrassing. I don't really want to remember that stuff anyway. But I do. And I will.
I think what happened is I don't like blogging when I'm unhappy and there was too much unhappy this past year. I kind of chronicled that. Enough, I guess. Enough as I could with my policy of blogging as if everyone I know can see it since you never know when a blog may slip into the public eye and goodness knows I'm not about to put anything on the internet that I wouldn't want any people seeing.
But I've kind of pulled myself together. For a while I stopped believing in myself, trusting my decisions, and believing that people like me. I lost my trust in that I know what is right, that I can plan, that I know how to do things, that I'm talented.
For a while, I thought that I shouldn't speak up and offer my suggestions about how to do things. I didn't want to cause a stir. I didn't believe that I could be right.
Father had told me years before about how most people have a voice in their head that feeds them a stream of negative. You're doing that wrong. You're in the wrong place. They don't like you. And so on. When he told me that before, I couldn't relate. I didn't have one of those voices. And then this year I developed one, and it stayed with me until I remembered what Father said. And I remembered how he told me that the important thing about that voice is it does not speak the truth. It's crazy. Lots of people believe everything it says, because there it is talking. But it is very untrustworthy.
Maybe it is coming home. Maybe it is being out of that apartment. Maybe it just took me this long to pull together. Maybe the losing and finding myself thing was a helpful part of the growing up process. I think I'm definitely wiser having been through it.
Most of my past blog entries (and I have a lot, considering I've been blogging on and off for eight years now) I avoid rather than read, since like, embarrassing. I don't really want to remember that stuff anyway. But I do. And I will.
I think what happened is I don't like blogging when I'm unhappy and there was too much unhappy this past year. I kind of chronicled that. Enough, I guess. Enough as I could with my policy of blogging as if everyone I know can see it since you never know when a blog may slip into the public eye and goodness knows I'm not about to put anything on the internet that I wouldn't want any people seeing.
But I've kind of pulled myself together. For a while I stopped believing in myself, trusting my decisions, and believing that people like me. I lost my trust in that I know what is right, that I can plan, that I know how to do things, that I'm talented.
For a while, I thought that I shouldn't speak up and offer my suggestions about how to do things. I didn't want to cause a stir. I didn't believe that I could be right.
Father had told me years before about how most people have a voice in their head that feeds them a stream of negative. You're doing that wrong. You're in the wrong place. They don't like you. And so on. When he told me that before, I couldn't relate. I didn't have one of those voices. And then this year I developed one, and it stayed with me until I remembered what Father said. And I remembered how he told me that the important thing about that voice is it does not speak the truth. It's crazy. Lots of people believe everything it says, because there it is talking. But it is very untrustworthy.
Maybe it is coming home. Maybe it is being out of that apartment. Maybe it just took me this long to pull together. Maybe the losing and finding myself thing was a helpful part of the growing up process. I think I'm definitely wiser having been through it.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Things
Things are good now. They're good. Looking back on the year it doesn't seem so bad. Probably because things are good again, so I can now see all the good that was clouded up by the bad.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
April 14
I do have friends here. I do. I think. Or maybe I'm making friends. No, I have friends. I do. I do have friends. All I did all day was hang out with my friends, all different friends. I have friends here.
I think.
And if I don't I'm on my way to having friends. But I think I do. Maybe I'm not sure. No, I totally do. I have friends here. I have friends here.
I think.
And if I don't I'm on my way to having friends. But I think I do. Maybe I'm not sure. No, I totally do. I have friends here. I have friends here.
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